Autumn Lotus Yoga

Another powerful Forrest yoga element, especially in teacher training, is finding & sharing “beauty reports.”   This is a practice of noticing something wonderful, joyful, beautiful each day & communicating it to someone else.  Great training for finding delight in the supposedly mundane, and for choosing to focus on something bright & lovely, even (especially!   when things feel dark, cranky, grumpy or generally unsatisfactory.

Heading in this morning to class I was just about vibrating out of my skin for no good reason, wound up & rather annoyed about that & just about everything else. 

Then I spotted her.  Followed someone else’s downward gaze to a pure picture of doggy deliciousness.  Short, squat cream little tyke with big bat ears, bulgy eyes & a perpetual slobbery panty grin.  Heard her owner say she was  French Bulldog.  I fell totally in love with her in that  ”damn, this is so ugly it’s adorable” way reserved for furry critters & certain outfits that I shouldn’t wear in public but do anyway.   Big smile lit me up inside & out every time I looked at her or even now, thinking about her.

This is what a French Bulldog looks like, in case you haven’t seen one.  Not the exact cutie critter that graced the T, but close enough:

In yoga report — great class with Lynne 9:30-11:30.  Been getting fab adjustments from her, including one yesterday that was pretty much chiropractic.  Glad I didn’t know it was coming or I would have totally flinched.   But effective — back is feelin’ good.  Of course, we did get into some deep hip openers combined with forward bends today that had my mind popping out with “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD” multiple times.  I forget sometimes just how many years I spent in Catholic schools & how much that sinks in.   Then total relaxation at the Restorative class with Heather.

Tomorrow, plan is to go to Back Bay again though I let Sunday be a bit of flexy day; maybe home, maybe out, who knows?  Of course, I now will be looking harder for adorable dogs on the T.

Self-mutilation is a big Forrest topic.  On the literal physical level, yes, but also on the inner dialogue aspect.  Been having an introspective, incubating couple of days that culminated in some wonderful clarity at about 5am this morning, before & during Peter’s fab Forrest Intensive 7-9, then Lynne’s Hip Hop class 10-1130, both at Back Bay.

Kind of amazed that I’ve been a “legal adult” for almost 20 years… spent a good 10 of those years dancing around on broken glass, then another 10 working to clean it up.  Alot of the behavioral issues boil down to a combination of social anxiety and obsessive thinking stemming from complete self-loathing… I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to run away from someone yelling at them 24/7?   If that someone is yourself, expect a lot of  behaviors targeted to take you out of your head.  (That’s the eating disorders, alcohol or drug abuse, searching for external validation, even reciting memorized verses or emails or typing everything said out in your head… oh, wait, maybe that’s just me    

There’s a level of constantly produced white noise manifesting as drama, repetitive negative automatic thinking, disorders, anything to keep actual feeling  or real thinking from intruding.  Plus, the joys of living in fantasy, the “future perfect tense” I like to call it, where self-acceptance is with held until ridiculous standards are met.

It’s nice to actually take up residence in one’s mind & find it a quiet, fertile place to live.  Like swimming in a lovely pond within a green grove rather than dog paddling like hell in turbulent seas.

There’s a level of letting go of habitual rotten patterns not from force or willpower or crisis, but just because you get BORED with them.  And delight when you reclaim/realize that you have a choice in the matter.

It’s okay to let go of our trauma/drama identity, & also okay to reclaim it & speak out.  And to switch day to day sometimes.

Thing is — let’s just stop the inner critic, stop yelling at ourselves over nothing.   Stop the self-mutilation.   Now.

Missed posting yesterday because the blog fairy locked me out!  Reason: Unknown.  But, we have reconciled, recovered & renewed passwords & the blog goes on.

Focusing now on Sloooooowwwwwiiiinnnng Doooowwwwwn.   It’s a really necessary next step for me.  I’ve a natural tendency to race & fidget & atomic squirrel, & it’s all part of staying disconnected & on the surface of life.  It’s a combination habit, defensive shield & pain in the ass anxiety.  If you want to go Ayurvedic, it’s over vata-ness.  (Used to be more pitta, but I’m just not that pissed off anymore.

So slowing down, grounding, opening up & relaxing are all good practices for me.  Not multitasking.  Slowing down daily movements.  (Hopefully, this will lead to fewer bumped shins.)  Spending time savoring moments rather than racing through them to the next thing.  It’s such an ingrained state of being & seemed so complementary to our ambition/achievement/hyperspeed culture.  But it actually sucks at many levels — constant tension,, stress & hyperactivity is not conducive to a yoga career.  Shocker. 

Lynne coached me to breathe more, slow down & open up to the flow around  & within me.   Focused on a gentler, deeper self-practice last night & this morning did a Liquid Asana DVD by Micheline to remind me of the wonderful time I had during her teacher training.  Followed that on with some slower Forrest style stretches, especially twists.  Chillin’ post-lunch now; will practice again later — likely an exact repeat!!  Practice makes less perfectionistic, I hear.  

I’m quite impressed that I’ve been finding some people & things too fast or harsh recently.  Woah, that’s big for the atomic squirrel.

Awhile back, friend Terra passed on the Kreativ Blogger accolade & tasked me with paying it forward.  Delightful!

It’s taken me so long because I wanted to share a different set of blogs than previously:

http://autumnlotusyoga.omblogger.com/2009/08/14/lucky-13-blog-luv/

I still read & love those blogs, just wanted to highlight some other, new voices I’ve been drawn to recently.

1)  http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/  Irish, early twenties imp living in London.  Diagnosed with rapid cycle bipolar disorder.  Augusten Burroughs meets Douglas Adams… Heartbreaking, brilliant, funny.

2) http://beingthewifeofawoundedmarine.blogspot.com/  View from the homefront in the aftermath of tragedy.  Young woman dealing with her husband’s return from war with a serious injury.

3) http://theyogabum.blogspot.com/  Not updated as frequently since becoming a parent, but incredibly honest & intelligent, especially on “seventh series” practice – raising a child.

4) http://myembodiment.wordpress.com A psychotherapist moves, becomes a geographically-separated single mom to three dogs in order to enter yoga teacher training.

5) http://www.blisschick.net/  Fearless journey of continuing self-discovery.

6) http://reluctantashtangi.blogspot.com/  Yoga teacher, daily practitioner, making magic from the mundane!

7) http://kateharding.net/ Feminism, size acceptance, self acceptance, and lots of cussin’.  Love this gang!

And the second half… 7 personal facts that might be surprising.  Hmmmm….

1) I have seven piercings in my ears.  First 2 were done by a jeweler; other 5 I did myself.  Would wake up on a random day in college, pierce my ear with a safety pin, and go forth to class, usually with aforementioned safety pin still adorning my ear.

2) Ironically, I now have not worn earrings in over a decade.  Safety pin girl developed a metal allergy that made even gold or hypoallergenic earrings itchy.

3)  I finished college in three years.  This is not due to having a big brain.  Or big work ethic.   Rather, did a bunch of AP classes in high school & attended summer school between years to rack up credits.

4)  Spent one of those summer school years in high school at Harvard University in their program for high school students.  While there, took Creative Writing & Acting classes & mostly partied.  Pretend to be shocked, K?

5) While living in Tokyo & again during college, used to spend a month or two each year in Hawaii.  Hung out on Kauai in high school, and in Honolulu in the summer.  Racked up the rest of those college credits at University of Hawaii at Manoa in Honolulu.  Yeah, tough gig again. 

6)  I have a rampant, ridiculous loathing of heights.  Fortunately, Beloved Husband shares this aversion & sympathizes rather than mocks me.  Yay!

7)  Before teaching yoga (and then concurrent with it), I taught dance & Pilates &  Spinning.  Started teaching dance, Pilates & yoga mostly just because there was no one else doing it at times when I could attend.  It was be the teacher or there would be no class for me to go to at all.  Somehow that made sense to me at the time.  Spinning was just for the hell of it.   All this while holding down that day job as a military planner in Germany.  I did not sleep.

Today’s practice was a little over an hour of home Forrest basics — pranayama, abs, nauli, suns, played around with a headstand variation, twists.  There may be more yoga later, or maybe just wandering around in the sunshine & then going to a movie with Beloved Husband.  Tomorrow, back to Back Bay!!

My beloved friend at Schmetterling Yoga wrote a really insightful post recently on how she didn’t know if she had the “drive” or whatever mystic thing to heal herself through yoga.  http://schmetterlingyoga.blogspot.com/2009/10/healing-with-yoga.html

And I’ve been pondering this for a while. 

Mostly because for years after I started yoga I was still a bulimic, heavy drinking, angry, fucked up mess.  It’s not like doing yoga magically made my crap go away in a few months, or, frankly, even a few years.  I’d been disassociated from my body & wound up into self-abusive mental knots for so long that it took literally years of regular practice for me to be able to find a moment of peace in my own head.

Hopefully, others learn faster than me.   But what was key for me wasn’t talent, or willingness even but pure bullheaded stubbornness to keep trying.  And the knowledge that I had to find a way out other than annihilation.

It took a loooooong time.  Through both of my teacher trainings I was a raw gaping wound.  But by the second one with Ana Forrest I wanted more than anything a way into having a happy, normal life.  By then little steps were enough.  I was able to have see past my shitstorm just enough to know that there were stars out there.

Sometimes self-destructive habits let go of us as we continue to practice, almost effortlessly.  Smoking was like that for me.  (MANY years ago.)  Sometimes we just start to value ourselves too much to inflict that kind of torture on ourselves anymore.  Purging was like that for me.  I refused to do it anymore, period, no matter what.  Sometimes it becomes a choice of “It’s Me or It” & we just have to keep choosing Self over suffering, again & again.

So the healing isn’t simple, or fast, or just a matter of distracting ourselves with sun salutes (though really, hell, it’s always worth a shot).  It’s fucking hard work. 

That’s why we have each other.

Second time this week — we’ve had snow in Cambridge!  It’s not sticking again, but awful pretty coming down in big clumps outside our bay windows. 

Mellow day of home practice today.  Did some warm up dancing with a Shiva Rea track, then a home practice.  Mostly working through the lesson plan for tomorrow morning’s class at Back Bay.

Yesterday was one sort of perfect day.  Class with Peter, made a new friend, caught up with a returned friend, cleaned the ENTIRE house  & did approximately 19 tons of laundry in a burst of post-headcold energy, then out to dinner with a Beloved Husband & a dear friend from college.  (It’s fun now to have friendships in the 20-plus year range!) 

I kept thinking how I wished I had that sort of energy every day, to live like superwoman bounding from rooftop to rooftop — one event to the next. 

But today was another sort of perfect day.   Chillin’, home practice, cuddling with Beloved Husband & kitties.  Rain turning into snow outside a snug little home.  Pizza on the way.

Good thing there are lots of possibilities for perfect days.

One of the good quotes from the Barbara Benagh workshop yesterday.

First, the health update: I am incredibly stoked to NOT feel sick this morning.  Like, dancing around the house in a pink fluffy robe excited simply to be back to normal.  (Literally.  The pink fluffy robe is for real, & should be a surprise to no one.   It always amazes me after I’ve been sick or injured or whatever how great it is just to be normal.  Must remind self of that on days when I’m p’od about being normal.

Okay, back to the workshop.  Barbara Benagh is a highly intelligent & well-educated yogi in the more classical mode, writes a lot for Yoga Journal & is a big local teacher.  She does classes around town & workshops at Back Bay & a few other places.  Yesterday’s focus was on the mechanics of the breath, types of breathing & incorporating breath into asana practice.

It was a three hour workshop, but mostly lecture.  In the initial 15 minutes we did a few lying down poses with blankets to open up the breath.  She used the blanket to create a mini-rolled up mat for a very gentle version of the Forrest lying over the roll to loosen up belly muscles at the start, then did some side lying & reclined work.  A single sloooooooooooooow sun salute & wide legged forward bend at the end illustrated some of her points.   Was very glad I did a mellowed-out Hip Hop Yoga class with Vanessa (subbing for Lynne) prior to the workshop to get the body moving again.

Barbara provided a relatively good discussion on how breathing actually works but it wasn’t super organized so if I hadn’t walked in with an understanding of it already, can’t say it would have provided a sufficient base.  She totally KNOWS the biological mechanics of both cellular respiration & ventilation (that’s the inhale/exhale part), just since it was a lecture format, it could have used a bit more academic-style presentation & preparation.  There was a whiteboard & once she began using that it organized her thoughts enormously, but it would have been helped by a very prepared outline & handouts.  But I’m Type-A that way.  

Barbara did recommend the book “The Science of Breath” published by the Himalayan Institute.  I’d also say read the chapter on breathing from Leslie Kaminoff’s Yoga Anatomy.  Or one day I’ll do a post on it – since I’m critiquing a master teacher, better put my money where my mouth is.

 Most interesting part for me was her typologies of breathing.  She organized it into 

1) Belly breathing: relaxed, passive breath where diaphragm contracts & flattens at level of xyphoid process causing a slight expansion of belly on inhale.  Diaphragm releases back to concave dome shape & belly contracts on exhale.  Pelvic floor follows movement of diaphragm.  (Personal side note: the diaphragm moves only a little bit, like less than an inch or so, so a big ballooning of belly while breathing is an exaggeration that can be used to emphasize belly breathing or create a particular effect to help access pelvic floor or stretch the abs, but isn’t an automatic manifestation.)

2) Thoracic breathing: more complete breath used during active phases of practice, adds three dimensional expansion of chest (up/down; front/back; side to side) incorporating intercostals.  Pelvic floor & deep abs can be engaged & held during thoracic breathing even as diaphragm moves — that’s the bandha action.

3) Clavicular breathing: stress response fight-or-flight breath that goes strongly into the neck & throat; can recognize it because shoulders come up.  Good for running away from bears, not needed in yoga class

On ujjayi breath, she was for it as a choice during practice, used quietly & consciously.  Did like the line “it’s great to lie down & great to run around, but not if either is the only game in town.”

She also associated particular types & qualities to the exhale/inhale process & those dominated by one or the other. 

Exhale: Kapha, parasympathetic nervous system, vagus nerve specifically,  lower energy state, can be depressive or relaxed, spinal flexion

Inhale: Vata (can be Pitta, but that’s more irritable , sympathetic nervous system, phrenic nerve specifically, can be overly excitable or energizing, spinal extension

Overall, good three hours.  Also the feeling of being in “intellectual yogi/student mode” was interesting — it’s been awhile since I was more focused on understanding yoga with my head than with my body.  Frankly, the former is easier for me & I need to get back to the latter today!  Peter is subbing the 9:30 Core Vinyasa class, then doing Restorative with Heather.  Yay for healthy!!