Outing Myself
So, here’s what’s been going on that prompted me to take a blogging break. It is a long post in its entirety but summarized briefly below.
The summary: I am of course back to practicing every day after slacking for 5 days over the holidays. (Vegas, baby!!!) Mostly doing Baptiste yoga because the Cambridge studio is 1) ten minutes walk from my house 2) heated to 95 degrees while the rest of Boston freezes it’s a$$ off, and 3) I am doing Forrest modifications all over the place with complete permission from all teachers. I am also going to Back Bay to teach and take class 3-4 times a week because I love BBY. AND!! Ana is due here in 1 week!!
Key part of summary: I am also taking my own frickin’ advice and seeing a professional headshrinker. 
All is well. I am back to writing. I have missed you. 
————————–
Longer version if you choose to continue: As is apparent in my blog posts and even more so in daily life, I have issues. (Yep, welcome to the human race!) For a long time (25 years??) I’ve thought “I need to talk to a professional,” but I’m stubborn with a tendency to think I can do everything myself and a reluctance to ask for help. Sound familiar to anyone else?
But I’ve hit a point where it feels like I have done everything I can think of to deal with my crap on my own and with the help of my friends/teachers. Really, I’ve tried alot of stuff. Things that are a really good idea to do to help oneself, and I’ve also tried things that are really dumb to try and help. On the good mental health side: I do yoga. I try to nourish myself and have maintained pretty good eating disorder recovery. I’ve eliminated all the external stress a person can eliminate. I have a wonderful marriage, adorable kitties, amazing friends.
And I still drive myself crazy ALOT. I can pranayama and asana and meditate and the crazy still bites me on the ass.
(Delicate phrasing, hunh? Yeah, well, acknowledging one’s feelings and employing emotional self-expression is good self-treatment so there.
After battling the medical system for the past few weeks — and I have GOOD insurance!! — I have had three appointments in the past seven days.
First was pretty much accidental with a straight-up MD. She was ADORABLE. I am already at the age where many doctors (especially interns) are significantly younger than me and damn cute. She is a very intelligent doc, but I automatically called the little redhead (yay redheads!) by her first name and wanted to adopt her. She did a basic medical exam and took bloodwork. Second appt was with an MD of the Psychiatric Persuasion who wasn’t taking new patients but did hear me out and agree I needed to find someone. Third appointment was yesterday with another headshrinker.
Yesterday’s session with Herr Doktor (his new pseudonym Chez Lotus was quite productive. 90 minutes of full mental download the likes of which I have not accomplished before — mostly because I was finally up against the wall enough to be willing to divulge anything I could think of to get appropriate insight/help. There have been many situations where I could have talked all I wanted to about my shit, including teacher training, my friends, my husband, even this blog, but I just wouldn’t let down my guard and I don’t want my crap to define too much of my daily life. My top priority is to have a happy day most days. But I felt very comfortable in the environment I chose yesterday. I especially like patient-Doktor privilege, and the fact that this is someone outside my personal circle who has heard EVERYTHING.
Herr Doktor’s conclusion was I have high anxiety, medium depression and mild OCD. Wait for it… the sound of a bunch of heads nodding in unison. I think a good diagnosis is one that has me, my husband and my BFFs going — “Yeah, that’s no shocker.”
Outcome of the session was setting up continued chats and getting a prescription for medication.
That last clause can be a hot button for some people. Yes, I am completely okay with getting medication to try and help with my shit. I do everything I can think of, and it’s still interfering with my life. Yoga is wonderful. It has kept me alive this far. It will continue to shape every part of my healing. Medication is another aid to that healing; I will use any tool necessary and available. Anyone who wishes may choose to write me off as non-yogic and stop reading – your path is your path; my path is mine.
The specifics of the prescription is two-fold. Beta-blockers for just-in-time treatment of panic and Neurontin to work more continually.
Of course I find any brain chemistry toy fascinating. Beta-blockers are used usually for hypertension but also frequently by performers and surgeons to prevent the physical manifestation of anxiety. They work by blocking the fight-or-flight chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine, and tend to slow heartrate, lower blood pressure, minimize sweaty palms and lightheadedness.
The Neurontin also goes by the generic name gabapentin and is used primarily as an anti-convulsant for seizures. It’s also prescribed though for migraines, bipolar disorder, substance abuse withdrawal and — key for me – anxiety and insomnia. Best I can understand it, Neurontin acts as supplemental GABA, a neurotransmitter in the brain. (Don’t confuse it with “natural” GABA supplements — those have no scientific studies to support effectiveness.) GABA inhibits excitement of the nervous system, especially to block excess epinephrine.
I took my first Neurontin last night. No discernable effects but a bit of drowsiness. Didn’t really fall asleep any faster and still woke up ungodly early. But it’s a med that has to build up a little in the blood (“titrate” was my word of the day yesterday in order to be effective.
Both meds are the “lightest” Herr Doktor could come up with — low side effect profile, low chance of psychological addiction.
This is kind of a really fascinating turn in my journey for me. I am observing with great interest my reactions to deciding to get help, working to get help and how Iwill actually receive/process both therapy and medication. I’d like to share it freely as part of my larger process with the goal, as always on this blog, to try and be open about my journey in the hopes that it will be useful to others.
Hope to see you tomorrow. x’s & o’s!
Tags: Authentic Self, Blogging, Daily Yoga Practice, Healing, Herr Doktor, Medication, Yoga & Science
January 14th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Major kudos are due for being able to follow your instincts, however long it took
January 14th, 2010 at 11:27 am
I’m glad you’re seeking all the help that is available my friend. I also applaud your openess about it all. I hope to be that open someday. Your courage, bravery and honesty continue to inspire me.
January 15th, 2010 at 12:28 am
Good work, my friend. Self-awareness & courage: I’m impressed.
January 16th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
You are very brave to be so honest and open! I sincerely hope that Herr Doktor will be able to help you.
In the past four months I have discovered that my depression and angst is often rooted in an unbalanced blood glucose level. I am prone to hypoglycemia, and my moods swing wildly with my rapidly changing blood sugars. My food choices nowadays look much like Ana Forrest’s own diet. It helps tremendously: stable energy, stable temper, and the conviction that I will be able to cope with whatever life is throwing my way. Of course food is not the only cause for mood disorders. Matters are much more complicated than that. But in changing my diet I found a stable foothold. From there it is far more easier to deal with whatever comes along (inside myself and outside). I just wish somebody had pointed that out to me years ago. It might seem far-fetched at first. But perhaps you could also find some relief.
January 16th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Manuela, thank you for the kind words & advice. I can tell you that I have eaten lots of different ways – I’ve done everything from vegan to solely carnivorous “caveman-eating.” I don’t talk much about it but the issues I have are also rooted in years of hypervigilence to ongoing yuck driving a PTSD-like response to the world. Probably should mention that,yes?
Very glad you’re finding success with changes in your eating habits. Namaste, friend.
January 17th, 2010 at 4:06 am
PTSD – now, you can’t fix THAT with diet/nutrition! That’s certainly “no piece of cake” to deal with. Sending you a virtual hug across the Atlantic (should arrive sometime in the afternoon
). Have a nice Sunday!